What Underpins Our Behaviour, Emotions, Priorities, etc.?
As humans we aren’t just rational thinkers deciding what to do next like robots. According to Acceptance and Commitment Therapy -one of my favourite modalities to work with- beneath the surface of our daily choices are core yearnings — psychological pulls that shape our emotions, relationships, priorities and even our suffering. We often try to satisfy these yearnings in ways that are unhelpful or even self-defeating, but when we understand them we can redirect them in life-affirming ways that make our lives richer and more meaningful.
Here’s a brief look at the six core yearnings that quietly “steer the ship” of our lives — and how counsellors and everyday people can recognise and work with them.
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Belonging — The Pull Toward Connection
Deep down, humans want connection. We want to be known, seen and accepted by others. But when this core yearning is met with self-criticism or fear of rejection, we can build a “social mask” — a borrowed self that we hope will win approval. This mask feels safer but actually distances us from real connection.
In practice: Counsellors can help clients distinguish between authentic self and performed self. Reflection questions like “What parts of you do you hide from others?” can uncover ways belonging is being chased through performance rather than presence.
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Orientation — Knowing Where You Are
When we feel lost, anxious, or uncertain, our minds jump into past memories or future forecasts to find certainty. We frantically search for patterns, explanations and control. This core yearning or longing is natural, but it traps us in worry and regret.
Practical approach: Mindfulness and grounding practices help people come back to the present moment. By learning to notice what’s here and now — without rushing to predict or fix — clients can reduce rumination and act with intention rather than fear.
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Feeling — Opening to Emotion Without Avoidance
We seek emotional experiences intensely (through art, relationships, avoidance of pain) yet paradoxically we often block or numb uncomfortable feelings. This creates an emotional deficit: we miss the depth of life because we’re afraid of the distress that comes with it.
Therapeutic application: Helping clients learn emotional acceptance rather than emotional control can be transformative. Encouraging curiosity about feelings (“What is this emotion trying to tell you?”) builds emotional resilience and expands life experience.
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Coherence — Living With Complexity
Our brains crave neat stories: cause and effect, order and certainty. Life, however, is messy. We encounter contradictions (loving someone while feeling frustrated with them, wanting connection but craving solitude) and we struggle when there’s no simple explanation.
In practice: Counsellors can help clients hold “both/and” rather than “either/or.” Techniques like cognitive defusion (seeing thoughts as thoughts, not facts) cultivate tolerance for ambiguity and reduce rigid story-making.
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Meaning — Moving Beyond External Validation
We often chase approval, success, status, or social milestones thinking this will give life meaning. These external targets may provide temporary satisfaction but never lasting fulfilment. True meaning is rooted in values and internal direction, not social expectations.
Clinical insight: Values clarification exercises help clients articulate what truly matters to them — beyond what they “should” do. This reorients motivation from pleasing others to living authentically.
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Competence — Loving the Journey of Growth
From infancy we’re driven to explore, learn and master skills. But many adults want instant competence and bail when progress feels slow or uncomfortable. This flips the natural drive to learn into avoidance of effort.
Practice tip: Encourage clients to reframe competence as process rather than outcome. Celebrate small improvements and rescript learning myths (“I must be good now”) into acceptance of the learning curve.
Conclusion: Understanding the Yearnings to Transform Them
These six core yearnings — belonging, orientation, feeling, coherence, meaning and competence — are not problems. They are part of what makes us human. The issue arises not in having these core yearnings but in how we attempt to satisfy them. When the longing for connection is met through performance, or the need for meaning is chased through likes and status, we end up in cycles of avoidance and self-judgment.
For both everyday life and therapeutic work, awareness of these core yearnings offers a compass. We can shift from being driven by unseen forces to guided by conscious intention — living closer to our values, more present in experience, and richer in connection.
Marc de Bruin is an ACA Level 4 counsellor, clinical supervisor (for both PACFA and ACA), university tutor, and former barrister-solicitor with over 20 years’ experience in counselling, supervision, and professional development. He is the founder of Counselling Supervision and Simplifying Life.
